Hamilton Caulfield

Hamilton Caulfield

 

i always hated Holden

who couldn’t make up his mind

the way he stumbled through his life

it were as if he was blind.

 

 

i always hated Holden

and his damned terrible book

he was too boring, too depressing

to keep my interest.

 

 

i always hated Holden

but now i am become him

i have lost the ability to make up my mind

i have lost the abilitt to come home to the norm.

 

 

i am lost

like Caulfield

but i always

hated him.

Lines

Lines

 

Lines and names are essentially the same.

 

You don’t call me that.

That name has too much connotation,

Too much resentment.

That name has too many memories.

 

So then what’s left?

Certainly not clichés.

I’ve ruled them out.

Along with that other phrase.

 

The new ones:

Gorgeous       Transcending

Daring            Infatuating

Dear               Tempting

Things you think I’d like to hear.

 

So why are these all lines too?

Right there that you whisper in my ear.

 

Other girls heard these names too

Fall from your lips my love.

The same way I heard that name before

By guys I was only a booty call for.

 

The writer is trained so perfectly.

All of us are.

To use and manipulate words,

For good and for spar.

 

There’s hardly a name in the book

That hasn’t been used

To describe the other half’s muse.

 

So no not that one.

There he tried to get in my pants.

Nor that one.

Used by d-bags who hardly give a second glance.

 

There are Lines and Lines

On top of more Lines used as confines

Each a slightly different design used by human-like porcupines.

 

I happen to know she heard that one.

I happen to know when he said that I knew we were done.

 

Because lines and names are essentially the same

And I have no desire to fall within that cliché frame.

 

Yet!

 

They all get mad when I’m not affectionate like that.

When the way I see it,

There’s only one of you who is mine.

 

Now try and count:

How many “babes” there’s been.

 

Try and count how many women

Were called:

Sweetie            Honey             Babe                Angel

Cutie               Doll                 Flawless

 

And worst of all:         queen               and      goddess.

 

Instead

There’s only one of you.

Only one, and only

One that’s mine.

Never to be summarized in a singular line.

Subservient

Subservient

On your knees

Hands on your lap

Assume your position

On the floor

Head down towards the mat.

 

I want “yes sir” only

As I do as I please

Never shall you directly

Look at me.

 

Your opinion, your mind

Becomes moot under me

My rule is final

In this one sided hell.

 

Give up

Repent

And

Surrender.

Under my strong grasp

Never may you have any room to thrash.

 

Read More »

Drugs of such

Drugs of such

 

I feel you

Fervently

Racing through my arm.

You wondrous

Money sucking monster.

 

Everything I have

Everything I make

Goes on to you.

To new needles

Fresh injections

Fresh…

My money is

Lost

Wasted

Pissed away

Gone.

Spent on you

And worth every drop.

 

When he says

I drink too much

But he has no idea

That I don’t drink enough.

Now that

He gives me a choice

Between my family

And you.

 

My choice of

Which street corner

I want

To run to.

House mother

House mother

 

Who devotes her life

To breakfasts

To bed checks

To housing the young.

 

We’ve had hundreds of girls stay here.

We used to have six girls to one room.

Please personalize it to your own.

Make this your temporary home.

 

Welcome in

Before I say goodbye.

My husband will take care of you

As soon as I die.

 

You see I’m 97 years old

But I’ve enjoyed my stay.

Thank you for the adventures

And take care of each other.

 

Sincerely,

I. S.

A college house mother.

nothings changed

nothings changed

 

nothings changed

in

bitter

self loathing

significant other

despising

fight picking

monster

that they always

called you

 

nothings changed

when you still

want to pick fights

still want to

nit

pick

still want

to

 

i’m addicted

 

to

fight.

The Last Nice Thing

The Last Nice Thing

 

If you don’t stay

I’ll –

kill myself.

overdose.

You’ll have pushed me

off the edge.

It’ll be your fault

if you don’t

stay.

 

So this will be

the last nice thing

I ever do for you.

 

“Hey… this is his –

now ex

I guess.

I’m not expecting anything

[since you’ll probably take his side]

but he did threaten,

to go off the deep end.”

 

“I’d hate to see him do that to himself”

“So don’t let him”

“Okay?”

11/15/15

“I’m going to drop an L bomb tonight”

“We’ve swapped nevers and always”

1/26/16

“would you rather me not talk” about her?

11/15/15

“Then I dropped the L bomb”

“She followed it up immediately with a return of the sentiment”

11/15/15

A cryptic message received.

“I don’t know what to make of” these

11/15/15

call me

10/29/15

“I recently became interested in someone”

11/11/15

“I know the spot you’re in right now”

“I don’t want to bring up anything you’re not in a mood to talk about” this included her.

11/11/15

“She’s wonderful”

“I’m afraid of how much I like her”

12/23/15

“she intends to hang on to me for the rest of her life”

“I honestly want to be with her, and I want to be hers for all time”

1/28/16

“I hope you don’t mind me saying, but I find you to be incredibly beautiful” he said to her.

“It hasn’t stopped feeling like a dream” he said to me.

1/23/16

“You know I’ve never slept in the same bed as anyone I’ve ever been with”

“I’m looking forward to it”

 

Tender moments, thoughts, and feelings were passed

I was sitting instead, resting, having come in last.

 

When change took hold:

4/4/16

“I can’t help but see myself as such a fool”

2/22/16

“The official statement is: this sort of sucks”

Yet there was hardly any fuss.

3/7/16

“She wasn’t happy with me anymore”

“Pushed me away”

1/21/16

“I’ll never see her again”

“Feeling real expendable right about now”

2/22/16

“I hope you’re around”

“Secondly, I’m also single now”

 

So why had I found comfort excitement instead.

“Am I that cruel?”

When you’re my best friend,

I have to be here,

In your time of wear.

But I can’t wait another moment to have you-

To say:

Read More »